


trying to breathe

by teddygirl105



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Based off a true experience, Boyfriends, Canon Compliant, Gen, Inspired by Real Events, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, as authentic as it gets folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-13 12:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16892544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: It's that horrible dread that crawls up his throat, making it hard to breath and clouding his thoughts. Its what makes him dig his nails into the back of his hands, scratching the skin until it's red and raw.It's the only thing that keeps him from breaking apart.





	trying to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> definitely not proofread
> 
> this fic deals with sensitive topics, so please be careful.

“Alright, let’s take a quick 10 minute break, and then we’ll get right back into it!” Changmin yelled to the team, covered in sweat and his muscles sore. The others all yelled in response, before collapsing to the floor.

They were practicing for their upcoming comeback, working hard in order to give their best performance for their fans. When it came to preparations performance-wise, he had it the hardest. Changmin would usually be the one to learn the choreo first, perfect it himself, before helping to teach it to the others. He’d then have to help perfect their moves, while at the same time keeping himself up to date as well.

All in all, he was pretty stressed, to say the least. With the entire team counting on him to help them give a satisfactory performance, it certainly put a lot of pressure on him.

While the others were busy chatting with each other, gulping down water and using the time to relax and wind down, Changmin was in the corner of the room, continuing to practice. There was a certain part he never could really get down for some reason. His brain didn’t process it properly, and he’d sometimes be a split second off.

While it didn’t seem too harmful -- he was covered by the other members at this point of the choreo -- he was still annoyed by it. He was supposed to be the one who knew the dance, not the one who needed work. If he made the same mistake on the big day, then he knew that he’d make many other mistakes as well.

 _‘Calm down, Changmin.’_ he thought to himself, taking deep breaths as he fumbled with his hands. _‘You’ve got this down. You’re fine. It’s just a small mistake you can fix. Don’t worry.’_

 **_‘But what if it goes wrong?’_ ** the other side of his conscious whispered, panicked. **_‘You mess it up, and everything goes down. They’ll notice. The staff, the team, the reporters, the fans. They’ll mock you for it.’_ **

_‘They won’t. They’ll understand. It’s just a small buffer in your brain. If you can surpass it, then it’ll all be good.’_

**_‘Buffers like that aren’t fixed so easily. You know that. Your nerves will get to you, and you’ll make that mistake. Then another one. And one more, why not.’_ **

Changmin began to pace around in his corner, mentally battling his conscious. It was like the angel and the devil on his shoulders, except much worse. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, either. In fact, this had happened multiple times by now, too many for him to count.

Muttering under his breath, Changmin unconsciously started to scratch at the back of his hands, leaving it raw and red. He felt the pain, but he was too distracted to even notice it. Not only that, but he was digging his nails into his skin, making it more irritated and sore. Angry red crescents appeared all over the back of his hands, flaring up.

By the time he had noticed the damage, his hands were horribly red, and it looked like a cat had attacked him. With a sigh, Changmin just pulled the sleeves of his shirt down to cover them, before rallying everyone back to practice once more.

_Deep breath in, deep breath out. Close your eyes. Think. Open your eyes. Continue._

They had managed to go through the song once more before calling it quits. Everyone was tired and a bit grumpy seeing how it was already 1 am. They had been practicing ever since 10 am, excluding a few breaks plus lunch and dinner.

“Changmin-ah, can I talk to you outside?” Jacob asked, tapping the dancer on the shoulder. He nodded, following him outside into the hallway. With the door shut tightly, it was silent, sans the faint yelling you could hear from the room.

“What’s up, hyung?” Changmin asked, standing across from him. “You usually don’t call me out for stuff like this.” he mentioned, and Jacob nodded.

“I just wanted to ask how you’re feeling. You’ve seemed pretty high strung and stressed for awhile now. You aren’t pushing yourself, are you?” he asked, his voice soft and gentle.

“I’m fine, don’t worry. It’s just a bit hard, having to keep all of us in check and such. It’s nothing that I’m not used to, though.” he explained, lying through his teeth with a small smile.

“Alright, that’s good to hear. And your hands?”

Changmin flinched, but tried not to show the discomfort on his face. He subconsciously pulled down his sleeves just a little further, hiding them behind his back. “M-My hands are fine. Why’d you ask?”

“I saw what you did, Changmin.” Jacob murmured, his face turning serious. “It was as if some sort of destructive state came over you.” Biting his bottom lip, Changmin stayed silent, opting not to answer. He was caught red handed, and there was nothing he could do to get out of this situation.

“..Can I see?” Jacob coaxed, hand outstretched in front of him. Changmin couldn’t deny him, he was technically higher in terms of age hierarchy. Plus, Jacob’s voice was so… soothing. Changmin wasn’t one to talk about his feelings much, but the tone of his voice made him want to spill everything.

Slowly, Changmin brought his hands out from behind his back, ashamed and embarrassed. Gently grabbing his wrists, Jacob pulled his sleeves back, accessing the damage done.

“God… Just what have you done to yourself?” he mumbled, running his thumb over the marks. “You dug in so deep… That'll last for at least a day.” he talked to himself, referring to what he had done with his nails.

“I’m sorry.” Changmin whispered, but Jacob just shook his head.

“It’s okay. We can worry about the details later.” After examining everything once more, he looked up at the dancer, still holding his wrists. “I’m going to give you two options, okay?” he asked, and was answered with a nod. “One, we go and get some makeup done on these, cover them up so that no one notices. This’ll just be between you and me. Or two, you tell them about it.”

“I-”

“The reason why I’m not making you tell them is because you need time. Having you confess now would be nerve wracking, and I don’t want to stress you out further. Even then, maybe this bad habit could be fixed without telling them. This is your choice, Changmin.” Jacob explained, removing his grip. “I know you’ll make the right choice.”

With one last small smile, Jacob disappeared back into the practice room, leaving Changmin alone to dwell on his thoughts momentarily. Staring at his hands, he looked at the marks on his skin, still bright red. As much as he wanted to go and put makeup on, that decision didn’t feel right.

He would be lying to his team, and he never liked doing that.

At the same time, he wasn’t that comfortable with telling them, at least, not now.

Taking a deep breath, Changmin calmed his nerves, pulling his sleeves up to his elbows before walking back into the room. “Alright, good work everyone! Let’s all get going back to the dorm, we’ve got a long day ahead of us.” he called out, clapping his hands to gather attention.

“Aren’t you leader-like today.” Sangyeon commented, walking past him with a smile. Changmin just smiled back, before packing up his things as well. He could feel one or two pairs of eyes on him, especially on his hands, but he ignored them. He had chosen not to lie, but at the same time, not to tell. He’d let them ask if they were curious.

Once they were all packed up, they left the practice room to finally get some rest. Walking back in the cool night all together, talking among themselves and huddling close for warmth, Changmin opted to lag behind a bit. He could clearly see the others in front of him, but he was without a partner to talk with. It was a bit lonely, but at the same time, allowed him to think without any worries. Closing his eyes, Changmin trusted his instincts as he walked, instead losing himself to his mind.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Opening his eyes, Changmin looked over to see Juyeon next to him, matching their steps. He was dressed warmly, good for the now-cold Seoul and upcoming winter. Himself, on the other hand, hadn’t decided to wear his hoodie, instead staying in his thin long sleeved shirt.

“Hm? No, not really.” Changmin mumbled, staring back at the road ahead of him. “Are you?”

Juyeon shivered, despite having a long, puffy coat on. “Of course. It’s the end of November, winter is coming.” he commented, teeth clattering together. They walked in silence, watching the others play around in the street. “Are you nervous? For the comeback.” Juyeon asked.

“Yes and no, I guess. It feels the same as all our other ones, though I guess the expectation is higher. I could say the same for everyone else.” Changmin answered, reaching over and gently tugging on Juyeon’s sleeve. He responded by taking his hand, lacing their fingers together tightly.

It was no secret that Changmin and Juyeon were in love. It was adorable to see the two happy, and everyone had their lips sealed. No one else other than the group knew, not even the company. It was too risky to reveal themselves anyways. They were cautious with their actions in public and around staff, so the two of them rarely had time for themselves.

Changmin liked it whenever they held hands. With Juyeon’s overly large hand size, they always encased his hands completely, giving a sense of protection and warmth. Right now, it was as if he had completely forgotten about the events prior in the practice room.

The happiness didn’t last long, however. Juyeon spotted someone walking towards them and quickly let go of Changmin’s hand. Although they were clearly not interested in them, earbuds in and looking at their phone screen, it was a precaution.

“Come to the kitchen once everyone’s in bed.” Juyeon murmured, before speeding up to the others. Though a bit disappointed, Changmin awaited for that time, excited.

 

* * *

 

It was around 2:30 am, everyone had finished up with the bathroom and were getting ready for bed. Many were already sleeping, getting the well needed rest they would need for the next day. Some were in their rooms, winding down for a few minutes. Sunwoo, being Sunwoo, was outside on the couch, notebook in hand as he thought of lyric ideas before bed.

Changmin took a much needed shower, feeling better when he was done. His hands weren’t as red as they were before, but the warm water made it flare up again.

Having finished up and in pyjamas, Changmin wandered over to the kitchen, where he saw Juyeon sitting at the table. A book in hand and a cup of steaming tea by his side, he seemed quite content. The sound of the chair sliding across the floor made Juyeon look up, watching Changmin sit across from him.

“Hey.” he breathed out, sliding a bookmark in his book before closing it.

“So, what’s the reason for calling me out here?” Changmin asked, accepting Juyeon’s offer to hold hands across the table.

“Just wanted to spend some time with you. It’s been a while since we ever did something.” With a smile, they began to talk, just catching up on whatever and discussing topics.

“What have you been reading lately?” Changmin asked, glancing over at the title. “ _A Midsummer’s Equation_. What’s it about? Not math, I hope?” Juyeon chuckled, shaking his head.

“Oh no, of course not. It’s quite the contrary. A murder, if you please.” he explained, making his lover’s eyes widen. “You remember the book I was reading before, right?”

“ _The Devotion of Suspect X?_ Yeah, of course. I read it too. It was good.”

“Same author, and same character. Detective “Galileo” is back at it again.”

“Ohh, I see. If that’s the case, then lemme read this one when you’re done.” Changmin smiled, playing around with Juyeon’s hands. He nodded, smiling back. Despite the smile that Changmin had on his face, it couldn’t help but seem a bit… off. Juyeon was pretty good at reading people, and this was one case where he was thankful for it.

“Hey, Changmin-ah?” he called out softly, making his boyfriend look up at him, curious. “Is everything alright?” he asked, and there was a flash of panic across Changmin’s face.

“I’m fine, why?”

“Changmin, please. Don’t lie to me.” Juyeon whispered, and the room went silent. There was the sound of the door closing, and he looked out of the corner of his eyes to see that Sunwoo was now gone. He had probably went to his room, noticing the change in atmosphere with the two.

Changmin bit his lip, looking away from Juyeon’s eyes and instead at his hands. They were still red.

Noticing the action, Juyeon carefully shifted his hands, unlacing their fingers. Gently, as if one touch could break him, he took a look at his hands, examining them.

“Changmin… What… What is this?” Juyeon breathed out, unable to fully comprehend what he was seeing. Angry red marks, in the shape of crescents littered the back of his hands, the skin flushed pink. It looked like it hurt, but Changmin didn’t flinch at all when Juyeon ran his thumb over them.

He could feel his temper rising, absolutely appalled that Changmin would do such a thing. But, at the same time, Juyeon felt pitiful. There must have been a reason why he’d do such a thing, and the fact that he wasn’t able to prevent it only directed the anger at himself.

“...” Changmin merely gulped, feeling a lump in his throat form and his eyes glossing over. With a shaky breath, he began to talk. To explain everything. He didn’t want Juyeon to know, he had never planned for this to happen. But he had to. It was too late to bluff his way out of this.

“I did it.” he whispered, voice cracking. “Today, right at the end of practice. Our last break for the day. I don’t know what came over me.”

Juyeon didn’t say a word, continuing to examine the damage. Changmin took that a signal to continue talking. “I kept on making a mistake during practice. You noticed it. Everyone else noticed it. It was out of the ordinary. I tried to fix it, but for some reason I just couldn’t and it was really getting on my nerves so I tried to practice by myself, and I just ended up arguing with myself so I started panicking and then this happened and I-”

A choked sob escaped Changmin’s lips, and he ducked his head down to hide his tears. It broke Juyeon’s heart to see him like this, but he couldn't just stop there. He had to know more.

“Changmin.” Juyeon whispered, careful with his words. “This isn’t the first time, is it?” he asked, and the dancer shook his head. “...When?”

“I-I think a few years ago. First year of high school.” he hiccupped. Juyeon cursed in his head. That was at least 5 years ago. And even then, Changmin must have been suffering long before that. “I’m just so tired of having to battle my conscious all the time. They say telling people makes it better, but it doesn’t. It only makes me feel worse.”

As much as he wanted to give comforting words to Changmin, to ease his worries and try to help, nothing was coming out of Juyeon’s mouth. He couldn’t think of anything to say, not even a simple, “You’re gonna be okay.”

Changmin slipped his hands out of Juyeon’s grasp, which had loosened significantly from shock. Resting his head in his hands, he continued to cry, body shaking with every sob. He looked so fragile and small, nothing Juyeon had ever seen before in the few years he had known his boyfriend.

Without saying a word, he stood up. His steps were silent as he walked around the table to Changmin, standing next to him and bringing him close. The dancer wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, sobbing into his shirt.

“Hey.” Juyeon whispered, stroking his hair gently. “It’s gonna be okay, alright? We can work through this. It might take some time, but we can solve this. I’m right here for you.”

He knew that trying to continue talking would only end up with a more awkward situation, so Juyeon kept to himself after he was finished. Changmin’s sobs slowly died out into mere hiccups and sniffling, but he continued to cling onto Juyeon.

“’m sorry.” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the fabric of the hoodie Juyeon was wearing.

“Don’t be. You have every right to cry for yourself.” he answered. He carefully pulled away, holding onto Changmin’s hands and looking at him straight in the eyes. “We can talk later in the morning, alright? You must be exhausted.”

Helping him up, the two of them walked over to the couch, not wanting to bother the others. As Changmin made himself comfortable, Juyeon found a few extra blankets from the closet. He brought them with him, turning off the lights before snuggling in next to Changmin.

“Sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Juyeon spoke, and his boyfriend nodded. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, curled up next to Juyeon in such a cute way. His eyes were puffy from crying, and so was his face. The dark circles under his eyes seemed much worse from before.

It tore his heart to see him in such a state. The fatigue that he had seen in his eyes wasn’t one of a long day of practice. It was from being worn out from himself, the thoughts in his head that constantly plagued him every day. Changmin was fighting a long battle, one that wouldn’t end any time soon.

Silently, to himself, Juyeon vowed that he would be there for Changmin. That he would prevent this from happening as long as he was there, and that he’d help him overcome his fear, slowly.

It would take a long time, but it could happen.

It would happen.

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks were rough on Changmin. With an abundance of year-end award shows they were attending, it meant lots of special performances that had to be learned in a short amount of time. Of course, it was quite fun to learn them, but having to perfect them was another issue.

He had lost count on how many times he lost himself during practice, his mind unfocused and clouded with thoughts. The temptation to do something, anything to force himself to focus was strong, his fingers inching their way to the back of his hands.

Juyeon would notice this behaviour change, notify Sangyeon, and the leader would call for a break. It gave him the chance to rush over, quickly stopping Changmin before he could do anything.

It took lots of coaxing and comfort in order to snap him out of it. Juyeon would hold his hands, methodically stroking Changmin’s knuckles as he whispered to him. Eventually, after many more times of the same thing over and over, he would go to Juyeon first.

He’d walk over to him, and without a word, give him a hug. Changmin’s head buried in the crook of his neck, arms wrapped loosely around Juyeon’s torso as he just sighed, closing his eyes. It was definitely much better than his previous coping methods, and Juyeon very much preferred this over that.

He also made sure to spend more time with Changmin outside of practices and schedules. Whether it be just lazing around, falling asleep together, or going out for a quick walk, he tried to be there.

Though he didn’t voice his thoughts, Changmin was grateful for Juyeon. He had felt his stress go down immensely during this period, and it was much needed. There was the occasional times where Juyeon would fall asleep before him, and Changmin would use that time to just take everything in.

He’d spend a few minutes just staring at Juyeon’s face, taking in his features and admiring him. A small smile on his face, Changmin would rest his head on his boyfriend’s chest, closing his eyes. The steady beat of Juyeon’s heart and the rise and fall of his chest lulled him to sleep with ease.

Honestly? Changmin didn’t know what he had done to deserve such a loving and kind person like Juyeon. He was doing so much, and yet didn’t want anything else in return. He felt selfish, but Juyeon would tell him otherwise.

“Thank you.” he’d whisper, unknowing that Juyeon was still awake, merely feigning sleep until Changmin drifted into dreamland.

 

_“You’re welcome.”_

**Author's Note:**

> **_this is all just a giant explanation so feel free to skip this!! **__**_**
> 
>  
> 
> as said in the tags, this is based off a true experience, aka something that I had done and I still do. it's honestly horrible because it always ends up happening in the same place, around the same time, and always because of the same thing. the reason why changmin inflicts himself with such pain would be the same reason I do. it keeps your mind aware and tries to distract it. it isn't severe enough to cause panic, but enough to keep yourself held together until it passes.
> 
> I'm not saying that this is good. I'm not trying to romantize this. it isn't fun. unlike changmin, I don't have a person to go to. I had to express my thoughts somewhere so that I had an outlet, thus, this fic was born. if some of you can relate to this, then I hope that you are able to heal. and to those that don't, maybe this has opened your mind a little bit.
> 
> thank you for reading my works, it's always a joy to see the appreciation and love. ♥
> 
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/tbz_sunlight)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/tbz_sunlight)


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